I Take Drugs

And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all *


Oh, not those kinds of drugs, you big ninnies! At least, not anymore (that’s a whole ‘nother post). No, I’m talking about strictly legal but nevertheless potent and delicious drugs—the kind your doctor (if your doctor is a drug pusher, like mine) is more than happy to fork over.

But lately I’ve begun to wonder: is it actually possible to take too many pills?

Last time I checked, I had definitely not turned into one of those querulous old people who hang out at the pharmacy, so there had to be another reason for the horrifying event that took place when I went to the drugstore to pick up a prescription.

The pharmacist addressed me by name.

People, she knew me! On sight! And it’s not like I live in Mayberry, nor was she even one of the full-time pharmacists. She knew me, because I’m there every other freaking day. Pickin’ up my pills.

I laughed kind of nervously and said, “Oho! That’s not a good sign! You don’t want to be well-known at the pharmacy!” She smiled as if she agreed with me. Damn! Now I’m being judged by pharmacists? I grabbed my pills and ran out, swearing never to return, but of course I’ll have to go back . . . let’s see, probably tomorrow.

And before you say anything, I do get some pills by mail. It’s cheaper and there is far less judging involved. But sometimes you just have to make the transaction in person.

Pills are easy and they usually get the job done. Sometimes they have side effects, but if you don’t operate heavy machinery or mind a little vomiting, those are not so much an issue. Often, you get bonus side effects, like drowsiness. Drowsiness is good! Y’all are all way too stressed out as it is.

Most people keep their pills on a shelf in their bathroom. I require an entire kitchen cabinet. Dave, who is rarely sick, was looking for Emergen-C or something similar to stave off a cold. He began the intrepid journey through my stockpile of pills, but was quickly frightened away.

“What all have you got in there?”

It’s no wonder he was freaked out. Take a look at his medicine cabinet:


And mine:


Please bear in mind: I don’t take all of these (at once); some are old prescriptions that I like to keep around . . . just in case. Some are buy-one-get-one free supplements. But, yes, there are some hardcore drugs in there. For which I have a bona fide prescription. From a trained medical doctor.

The weird thing is, I actually have a lot of faith in Eastern medicine. I’ve had acupuncture, massage, even healing touch, and I’ve usually gotten good results. But . . . pills are so easy.

People complain about those of us who depend on pills to ease our aches and pains. “Oh, they just want a quick fix.” Um, yeah. I do. Take another look at that sentence. It contains the words “quick” and “fix.” Should I be looking for something that will take years and might not work?

Plus, it’s so easy to get pills. I never leave my doctor’s office without a prescription or samples. Recently I saw an orthopedist about back pain and headaches. Before I knew it, I had a bottle stuffed with Vicodin and a handful of Neurontin. You remember my procedure from last month? Well, I was originally s’posed to have it done in a doctor’s office, heavily dosed with Vicodin instead of anesthesia. The venue was moved to the hospital, so, theoretically, I didn’t need that prescription. And yet, there I was, with another jam-packed bottle of Vicodin. Score!

I do make an effort to lessen my dependency on pills. I recently bought a book called Break Through Pain, but I have yet to crack it open. Because, you see, there are pills for that. And as long as that’s the case, I’ll put up with judgemental pharmacists to get my fix.

If you want to take drugs
  • Make sure your drugs are the legal kind. That street meth is nothing but trouble. So I hear.
  • Bone up on your drug interractions. I recently took an antibiotic that clashed with something else I was taking. The prescribing doctor should have known that would happen. Luckily, I didn’t die, but for three days, I wished I had.
  • Try not to become a total addict. There are lots of good alternatives . . . BUT THEY’RE SLOW AND INEFFECTIVE (kidding!)

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of Jefferson Airplane

I bet the folks at humor-blogs take a lot of pills.