I’ll Eat All Your Halloween Candy

Pour some sugar on me *


pumpkin-throwing-up.jpg

“Trick or Treat!”

(pause)

“TRICK OR TREAT!”

(pause)

TRICK OR TREAT!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Hold your horses!”

Door swings open to reveal mean old lady.

“For heaven’s sake, I’m not deaf, you dumb kid.”

(mortified pause)

“trickortreat”

I grab blindly at the bowl of now completely undesirable candy, my cardboard fairy wings heavy on my back, the glitter in my hair a mockery of the childhood that has just been jerked away from me. I scuffle slowly back to my dad, my plastic pumpkin dragging behind me.

Halloween! Ruined! Forever!

Nah. You can get over anything for free candy.

If that was my worst Halloween memory, my best memory is a college party my roommates and I threw. No candy, no scares, the big thing was the costume. Cats, cowgirls, belly dancers—when you’re 21, you actually want people to see your stomach. At any rate, all the girls wanted to look cute.

Except for me.

I looked like . . .

. . .

THIS!

I’m not kidding, y’all. It was freaking awesome. OK, so I didn’t look exactly like the above picture, but my Bride of Frankenstein was pretty accurate. A friend’s mom sewed together a sheet to form a kind of sleeveless gown. I wrapped Ace bandages up and down my arms. The makeup was easy: white face powder, red lipstick, dramatic mascara, and, yes, I even plucked the ends of my eyebrows completely OFF so I could draw them tilting upward.

Ah, but the hair. That was the coup de grace. No stupid wigs for me. My hair at the time was shoulder-length-ish, and I just stopped washing it for a week or two, to get it good and stiff. The day of the party, I put in curlers to give it some extra body. Once the curlers came out, I ratted and teased it until it stood straight up. It was a little more Heat Miser than Bride, but it worked. For the final touch, I spray-painted some temporary silver along the sides.

People were in awe. Those stupid cowgirls and princesses looked like fools. Best part? I didn’t even have to talk to anyone. I just lurched around and screamed.

But nowadays I don’t have the energy or inclination to dream up a good costume. Plus I hate parties. A perfect Halloween night for me is turning off all the lights, watching a scary movie, and remembering the good old days (a few weeks ago) when I ate candy.

JD’s Top 10 Best Trick-or-Treat Candy

Candy bars: “fun” size” acceptable; full size preferred.

  1. Milky Way
  2. Snickers
  3. Mars Bar
  4. PayDay
  5. KitKat
  6. 3 Musketeers
  7. Baby Ruth
  8. Nestle Crunch
  9. Sugar Daddy
  10. Twix
JD’s Top 10 Worst Trick-or-Treat Candy
  1. Boston Baked Beans
  2. those black- and orange-wrapped peanut butter globs
  3. gum
  4. apples (note to candy givers: NOT a candy)
  5. Mr. Goodbar
  6. Peanut M&Ms
  7. licorice
  8. anything made of wax (not edible)
  9. anything sugar-free (not edible)
  10. anything homemade, such as terrible popcorn balls
My wish for the trick-or-treaters of today

May all your tricks be of the non-fatal type. May all your treats be chocolate and sugary and free of razor blades. May your costumes be awesome and may the weather be fair. And if you run into any mean old ladies? May you show more balls than I did and MAKE THEM PAY FOR RUINING YOUR CHILDHOOD!

Happy Halloween, everyone!

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of Def Leppard

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