I’m Going on a Crazy Diet

Bite that bun
Bite that pie
You better drink that shake before you die*


So I’m going to Vegas in a few weeks and I want to drop some poundage. For one thing, I want to make room for all the buffet food I plan to eat (not to mention those Nutella crepes they serve in our hotel’s coffeeshop—SWOON!). Also, I want to fit into my favorite pair of green pants. I wore them on our flight to Vegas last year and have fond memories of dancing around the driveway at 4:00 AM in the headlights of the cab, as the driver looked on, unimpressed. I want to dance! In my green pants! And eat! Las Vegas is home to M&M’s World, people!

Here’s the plan:

SlimFast shake (or similar weight-loss shake of 190 or fewer calories) for breakfast, mid-morning, and mid-afternoon. A serving of fruit for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, diet frozen dinner with fewer than 180 calories, along with 2 servings of fruit OR vegetables. And you gotta walk or exercise for 45-90 minutes every day. I’ve been walking for an hour as soon as I get up in the AM, so that’s no biggie. I like to do other stuff, too, but I doubt I’ll manage it on a measly 1,080 calories a day.

Supposedly you can lose 40 pounds in 12 weeks. I don’t need to lose 40 pounds; I just wanna wear my green pants. Plus, there’s no WAY I could keep this up for 12 weeks, nor do I think it’s particularly healthy to do so. I figure I can realistically do it for one week and then do a week with some modifications, like adding a Big Mac at lunch and a large pizza at dinner. No, seriously, maybe add a serving of brown rice, or throw some yogurt in the SlimFast, maybe a bowl of hi-fiber cereal.

I don’t usually try crazy diets. I lost 35 pounds on Weight Watchers several years ago. It took about 6 months and it really wasn’t too hard. But through determination, effort, and sheer gluttony I gained it back. Surprisingly, I’m not all that unhappy about it, except for those green pants. Still, I’m not exactly happy. I’d like there to be a little less of me. But it’s hard to lose weight/keep it off when you love food, have no willpower, and keep having to see stuff like this at the store.

A Few Observations after My First Day on the Crazy Diet
  • It is easy to make a frozen dinner under 180 calories when the main ingredient is red peppers.
  • You literally cannot buy a frozen dinner without red peppers.
  • Contrary to what diet frozen dinner makers may think, red peppers have no flavor.
  • Healthy Choice Slow Roasted Turkey Breast and Smart Ones Chicken Santa Fe are not bad at all. But oh, so tiny!
  • SlimFast is kind of terrible. Why can’t they make it taste better? Maybe I’m s’posed to be drinking it out of an attractive soda glass instead of the can. I didn’t expect it to taste like a strawberry shake; I was hoping for strawberry milk, but it was more like strawberry . . . feet. I checked the ingredients and didn’t see “rancid foot odor flakes,” but those label people can be tricky.
Crazy Diet Pros . . .
  • No dishes!
  • No cooking!
  • No feeling uncomfortably full!
. . . and Cons
  • No energy!
  • No happiness!
  • No feeling uncomfortably full!

Hey! If you’re gonna be in Vegas in mid-September, look me up. I’ll be the one in the green pants dancing in the buffet line.

If you want to go on a crazy diet:
  • Drink lots of water. Supposedly this fools your stomach into thinking it’s full. This is a lie. But water is good for you, especially if you’re eating 65,000 grams of sodium in one sitting.
  • Get lots of sleep. Studies have shown that people who get more sleep are more likely to lose weight. Also, you just do not want to be awake during this hell.
  • Reconsider. Life is short. Food is delicious. SlimFast is evil.

* Today’s lyrics are courtesy of The Chills . . . again!